What should I talk to my kid about before they go back to school?
Back to school season can have so much pressure and expectation! As a teacher…to be honest…I never liked the first day of school. I don’t know them, they don’t know me, and no one is quite sure how to act. As a parent, I am feeling it a lot this year, as my oldest is starting kindergarten and I’m trying to navigate my own feelings about him growing up, as well as of maps of drop-off lanes and a dozen different school portals for lunches and schedules and who knows what else. And as a therapist, I’m helping teens and parents plan for new routines, set goals, and face anxieties and the unknown. It’s just…a lot.
So if you’re also feeling overwhelmed, or trying to be extra prepared but not sure how, here are just a few ideas. Not things you ‘must do’ or are crucial to having the ‘best school year ever’, just some ideas that you may (or may not) find helpful this week.
Here are four conversation starters for your child or teen as you prepare to go back to school…
1. Nothing...? (Maybe you don’t need to have a big conversation…)
Ok, I promise, keep reading and I’ll have some helpful scripts! But before you come to the dinner table armed with a list of questions to run through, consider that maybe you don’t need to have any big, important, meaningful conversations before school starts. If your kid or teens wants to talk about school, they will. If they’re anxious or worried, talking more about it and making it into a bigger event may only add to their anxiety.
Instead, consider asking a couple of open-ended questions (What are you excited about? What are you worried about?), go over everyone’s schedule, and then let the first day of school feel as much like a normal day as you can.
2. “What do you think will be hard for you this year? What are you worried about?”
I know….it’s so tempting to avoid talking about their stress or brushing off their anxiety with “You’ll be fine!” because you know (hope?) they will be. But if your kid or teen is feeling stressed about school, an “It’s fine!” response can make them feel like when it’s not fine, something’s wrong with them. And if they should be fine and they don’t feel that way…they can’t really talk about it with you.
Give them space to talk about how things at school could be hard and stressful. Reflect their feelings calmly, and help them talk though what they would do if the things they are worried about happen. Try a “Ugh yeah, it would be stressful if math is really hard for you this year. What do you think you’ll do if you get a low grade?” …instead of “Don’t worry, you’re smart and will do fine!” Normalize that they will be stressed and that’s okay. They can handle it.
3. “What will you do if other kids are mean? How will you make sure you’re being kind?”
Bullying will happen at all schools and in all grades - prepare your kids for it! Ask them what other kids are making fun of each other for, or what might make them a target for bullying. Then, brainstorm and practice how they could respond confidently. Unfortunately, our instinctive reactions of fighting back or trying to ignore mean comments tend to be ineffective…and encourage more bullying. Try some other responses that project confidence without inviting a fight (make it boring or awkward for someone to bully them!).
For example, my son and I tried to think of a few quick responses to give if the other kids in his kindergarten class make fun of all the things he bought in his favorite color. Here are a few of our strategies…
“You don’t like it? That’s ok - I think I look pretty in pink!” (This was his favorite!)
“Ok, so you don’t want to borrow it? That’s fine, it’s my shirt and I like it.”
“I don’t like it when you say that. I’m going to go play over there instead.”
“Oh. I like your shirt. I like lots of colors.”
Also, make sure to include the other side in this conversation - how will your kid know if they are hurting another person’s feelings AND what will they do if they are a bystander to bullying? Teasing can be a normal, healthy part of a friendship, but it’s important that they can ask others and check in if something has gone too far. They also should know that a bystander has incredible power to intervene and shut down mean behavior. Again, ask them what scenarios might come up and help them think through what they could do.
4. “How will we make sure everything gets done and everything is ready to go?”
Try to find ways to set limits and routines that don’t require you to constantly be reminding everyone of everything. Of course, this looks different at different ages, but it’s so important for your stress level and the overall harmony of your home that most interactions are not some form of reminders/nagging/“I know!”/eye rolling!
Set clear consequences, and let your kid or teen get that consequence. If their phone gets taken away when they have missing work at the end of the week, then wait to see if they have missing work on Friday, then take their phone away if needed. Resist the temptation to warn them constantly that they need to complete their work or sit with them awkwardly forcing them complete to it. Let the consequence that you set be the motivation for them to find a way —or ask for more help—to get their work done in the future.
Try some “When…Then” limits. “When you get your room cleaned up, then we will go shopping,” is a simple limit and expectation, but also means that maybe you don’t end up shopping that day. And again, try to just say it once.
Ask if they want a reminder or help from you. When you set up new responsibilities, clear time frames, and expectations, it can be really helpful to then ask them if they want a reminder, and how/how often they want to be reminded. If they only want one reminder (or none), do your best to stick with that.
…or set up ways for them to organize and remember things themselves. Planners are great, but for a lot of kids (especially those with ADHD), something written deep in a planner will not catch their attention. Think big white boards, sticky notes right where they will see them, or just putting things where they are most visible (Keep forgetting their coat? Make it part of bedtime routine to hang it on the front doorknob.). If there’s a family calendar, make sure they have a way to add to it, so that you don’t have to be everyone’s secretary all the time.
Accept that sometimes everything won’t get done and everyone won’t be ready to go. For those of you parents who lean Type A/perfectionist/neurotic (like me…), take a breath and recognize that giving your kids and teens more responsibility and real life consequences is incredibly important for them…and also means they will mess up and forget things. When you can, let them. Let them forget the snack they’re in charge of packing and be hungry at their soccer practice or make mistakes on their homework and lose some points. Feeling those lower-stakes consequences is what will help them feel and accept more responsibility for themselves.