Ideas for Building Independence
I fear it’s become an Instagram cliché, but can we all just take a minute and remember what we loved best about our ‘90s (or ‘80s or ‘00s) childhood? Walking over to a friend’s house after school, deciding what we wanted to play, and coming up with our own entertainment. The freedom and joy of managing our own time.
For me, this often feels far away from the world our kids or teens are living in. If you also feel the pressure of endless scheduling, supervising, checking in, reading app notifications, making sure they’re okay…Can we take a breath together and maybe a couple steps back? Let’s find some ways to increase our kid’s independence and confidence, while maybe taking some tasks off your plate.
My favorite tool right now for building independence is a seemingly simple one borrowed from the Let Grow Movement: “independence activities.” Planning opportunities for your kids to do things on their own can help reduce their anxiety and build their confidence.
Start with the question:
“What is something that you haven’t done by yourself, that you’d like to do?”
For my 5-year old son, this question was magic. His eyes lit up with his answer: use the oven. And he did.
We set the parameters (I would supervise and instruct but not touch anything) and the task (bake sweet potatoes for his lunches). He preset the oven, cleaned the potatoes, put on the oven mitts that reach past his elbows, put the potatoes in, and set his timer. All was well until it came time to get them out…and he couldn’t reach far enough to grab the pan. I told him to try pulling the oven rack out; he couldn’t. He begged me to help; I wouldn’t. We both suffered through a few contentious minutes of trying again, pleading for help, and finally I said he could just turn the oven off and get them out when it cooled down. But that solution wasn’t good enough for him, so he figured it out - he could leave the pan and just reach in and grab each potato (duh). He did it all (well, almost all) by himself!
Excitement and pride poured out of him as he ran to tell his brother, “Did you see what I did?! I did something cooler than everything! I can’t wait to tell my school friends!” Swallowing my anxiety for an hour and letting him take on the risk of minor burns had shown him that he can do hard and somewhat scary things.
How You Can Build in ‘Independence Activities’
Start by letting your kids know that you trust them and you want to help them learn new, fun things. Ask them what things they’d like to do on their own or use the example lists from Let Grow, and make a plan together (you always have veto power!).
Remember that this is also a challenge for you. It can be very hard to watch your kids try new things on their own! Plan ahead for what will happen if they do fail. This may be as simple as the natural consequence of not getting popcorn at the movies if they don’t order it themselves, but also can include important safety conversations (What do you do if you get lost? How do you ask for help?). Directly set the boundary that you won’t step in and save them if they can’t do something. Show them you know they can handle a challenge and disappointment.
Wondering what they should do? Is your kid…
…in elementary school? Would they like to plan their own playdate and walk to a friend’s house? Write their own grocery list and meet you at the checkout? Pack their own lunches for a week? Or maybe learn a new skill like sewing, cooking, or folding laundry?
…a teen? Would they like to plan and prepare dinner tomorrow? Call to make their own dentist appointment and go on their own? Or just take more responsibility of planning an outing with friends?
Talk about their expectations, what might be hard, and what a back-up plan might be. Then, sit back and observe! See what they can do, and celebrate any surprises or successes.
Want more ideas? You can download a free “Independence Kit” from LetGrow.org! And if this seems like too big of a step because your child or teen (or you!) are too anxious to get started doing more on their own, feel free to reach out and we can make a plan together.