Raising Resilient Kids: How to Respond to Anxiety with Kindness & Confidence

As parents, we are wired to protect our kids. We keep them on the sidewalk, hold their hands, and baby-proof the cabinets. When they are scared and in danger, it feels like our responsibility to jump in and protect them. But…how should we respond when what they’re scared of isn’t actually dangerous to them? How can we help them face hard things so that they can develop resilience?

Often parents lean towards one of two approaches:

• We may have a protective, comforting approach that keeps our kids from experiencing distress…but also limits their growth as we accommodate for them (moms…this is usually us). They’re nervous about riding the school bus so we drive them to school, or they are worried they won’t have any friends in their assigned class so we petition for them to change teachers.

  OR

• We have the classic “suck it up” approach and push our kids forward. We tell them it’s no big deal and they can do it…but often end up stuck in constant fights as kids seem to dig their heels harder and harder in order to prove they can’t do things. We tell them there’s no reason to cry, the school bus isn’t scary, and try to shove them on it, as their resistance explodes in a driveway tantrum.

If either of these approaches isn’t working for you, or if you are constantly fighting with your spouse about who is ‘right’, consider that they aren’t opposites. Try BOTH. Be kind and accepting while gently pushing your kids forward and building their confidence.

“I know it’s hard, but I know you can do it.”

Be Kind and Accepting…

Even if the danger is not real (or—in your mind—no big deal), validating your child or teen’s anxiety goes a long way. Something simple like, “Yeah, I know you don’t want to go to school today,” or “that class sounds like it’s really overwhelming you,” conveys that you are listening and understand them. Being calm and kind also helps them feel a sense of safety. (Note that you are not telling them that the class is/should be overwhelming, but just reflecting their feelings as they are.)

On the other hand, responses that try to convince them that they shouldn’t be anxious can sometimes backfire. If you tell someone that “it’s no big deal” or “there’s no reason to be upset” when they are upset and it does feel like a big deal, they may feel ignored and actually dig in to try to prove that they are actually scared.

…AND Encourage Confidence

Let them know that you have faith in them. You believe that they can do hard things, even when they are scared and it is difficult. If the task is too overwhelming, you can be there to help them make small baby steps towards their goals and new skills.

Of course, this is easier said than done. Watching your kid cry at drop off and beg to stay home can be torturous, whether it’s daycare or high school. But often allowing them to stay home and avoid their stress only makes the next day that much harder. I know it’s hard, but you can do it!

By taking a sensitive and encouraging approach, you can work towards reducing your child’s anxiety and teach them how to face challenges on their own.

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Many children with high anxiety also have a neurodivergence such as autism and/or ADHD. If you’re not sure how/if these strategies apply to your family and when/if to accommodate for your child, check out Andrea Ciceri’s article, “Anxiety, Neurodivergence, and Parent Accommodation.”

Interested in learning more? Reach out and we can discuss solutions that can work for your family!

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Resources:

Lebowitx, E. & Omer, H. (2013). Treating Childhood and Adolescent Anxiety: A Guide for Caregivers. John Wiley & Sons, Inc.