I said “big feelings” and offered a choice- Why are they still kicking and screaming on the floor?!
In this age of Instragram-mom parenting, there are so many great (or, sometimes, not so great) resources for parenting that we scroll through multiple times a day. A lot of this content is great; parents are learning how to offer choices instead of just saying no, validate their kid’s feelings more intentionally, and praise effort to foster self-efficacy. Awesome. A lot of this content also has strong research to back it up (I just wrote another blog about limit setting based on the work of one of the most well-renowned play therapists). It all can be really useful, but also…
Sometimes it doesn’t work…
Sometimes when you validate your son’s frustrations about not getting ice cream with his lunch, set a clear limit, offer him two age-appropriate other choices, he still yells and tells you he’s “not going to be your friend anymore!" Been there, done that. Yesterday.
And that’s normal.
There are no magic words that will erase all frustrating childhood behaviors because the only way to do that is to try to remove all frustration from childhood, which would create an adult very ill-prepared to manage the real world. So when you have all the ‘right’ skills but still (of course) have moments when you are frustrated and struggling and it just doesn’t seem to work ‘right’, here are some things to keep in mind…
Remember that your kid is a work in progress LEARNING how to manage themselves and the world. If they are so frustrated that they can’t have ice cream that they throw a huge tantrum, but are eventually able to calm down, connect with you again, and see that they are okay without the ice cream, then they have learned a little more about how to manage frustration. The tantrum is not a failure; it is part of the learning process. Hopefully, the next time (or maybe the next) they will be a little better at facing frustration because they feel secure that you are consistent and care for them. (Of course, be careful of the opposite - if you don’t hold your limit, they may learn that tantrums are a useful tool to get the ice cream, which can be a slippery slope!)
This also means that facing manageable frustration and stress is normal and good for kids. Kids can’t learn to manage stress without experiencing it, so small frustrations - not getting the exact food they wanted, another kid playing with their favorite toy, reading only 2 books when they want 22 - is great practice to build resilience. Kids should face something that frustrates them every single day.
Be a thermostat, not a thermometer. This is a basic play therapy skill, and I love it! The best thing you can do when your kid is out of control is stay in control. Your calm presence can help them know that they are safe and co-regulate with your emotions. I say “Let’s calm down” a lot instead of “Calm down,” so we feel like we’re in it together. Be patient with yourself with this; it can be a difficult skill to practice! If possible, let another parent or caregiver step in when you are feeling too overwhelmed.
If your child is drowning, don’t try to teach them how to swim. This is another classic play therapy saying. Once a kid has hit a fight/flight/freeze mode, more choices and reasoning won’t go far. Focus on just staying calm and giving them time and space to calm down. You can practice learning new skills another time when they are better regulated.
Focus on empathy. If I thought I was going to get ice cream and then you told me I wasn’t getting ice cream, I’d be pretty upset. It’s annoying that my son has such a big reaction to this, but it helps me to at least focus on the part that I can relate to and try to notice things from his perspective.
It’s okay to prioritize being practical and safe. If your kid is kicking and screaming and refusing to leave the park, it’s okay to pick them up and (hopefully calmly) wrestle them into their car seat without waiting for them to calm down first. If your kid is hitting you or throwing things at you, do your best to move/stand up/walk away so they can’t hurt you. If they’re throwing a tantrum at the dinner table, pick them up and carry them over to the couch so they can calm down. You can be calm, kind, and practical.
It’s ok that others don’t know the right ‘magic words’. My mom has sent me the “Teaching My Boomer Mom About Millennial Parenting” posts multiple times. She thinks it is hilarious and always includes a comment about how “it’s hard to be a grandma!” As someone who was in graduate play therapy classes as my kids were babies and toddlers, I was literally trained to recognize all of the ‘right’ responses and would always notice when others did/didn’t reflect a feeling or did/didn’t ask a question in an age-appropriate way. But-the thing is-if other adults are generally kind and caring towards your kids, then the relationship they are building with them is WAY more important than if they said ‘good job!’ in a way that may have incorrectly encouraged your child to focus too much on external validation. Take a step back and let go of expectations that everyone will know your ‘magic words.’