Limit Setting: How to Connect & Set Boundaries with Toddlers, Kids, and Teens
No ice cream for breakfast. No, we have to leave now. No, we can’t go to the park today. No more snacks. No, that’s not safe! No naked butts on my couch (yes, I’ve said it more times than I’d like to admit!). No pouring water outside the tub. No. No. No. No. No.
…Anyone else have a toddler? Or maybe an elementary school kid or teen who might know ice cream isn’t for breakfast, but pushes other limits in ways that can drive you crazy?
If you’re tired of being the broken record of ‘no’s or feel like all of your energy is going into negotiating things you’re not sure you should be negotiating, some new limit setting techniques might help! The ACT technique was originally developed by Gary Landreth, Ph.D. and can help you connect with your kid while setting clear boundaries.
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A - Acknowledge the Feeling/Want
“I know you want to stay at the park…”
Starting here helps you connect with your kid and validate what they are feeling. It also lets them know that you are listening!
C - Communicate the Limit
“…but it’s time to go home.”
Be clear and simple. You don’t need to take the time to explain the limit unless they ask (especially with young kids).
T - Target Alternative Choices
“Do you want to run or skip to the car?”
Give two choices, both of which are things that are within the limit. Silliness is a bonus here, especially with little kids, because it can be a distraction!
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Want some more examples?
“I know you are sad that you didn’t get a turn, but you can’t take his truck. Do you want to wait until he’s done with it or go play on the swings?”
“I know you want to ride your scooter, but it’s time to go to school. Do you want to buckle yourself in or do you want me to do it?”
“I know you want to be on your phone, but we are all putting them away for dinner. Do you want to help me set the table or make the salad?”
A few important things to note:
These are not magic words. If your child doesn’t immediately snap out of a tantrum and show delight in choosing one of your well-worded choices, that means that they are normal! This language can help you prevent some meltdowns and conflicts, but not avoid them altogether. Take a deep breath and repeat your limit calmly, sit quietly and wait for them to calm down, or gently pick up your toddler and carry them kicking and screaming out of Target because you don’t have time to wait - whatever works for you in the moment. Remember that limit setting is meant to be a challenge for kids - it helps them learn self-control and how to tolerate frustration - both of which are very important life skills!
You are not a robot. Scripts like ACT can help you feel prepared and check that you have connected with your kid and communicated clearly, but they do not need to be word-for-word, cold, rehearsed language. Teens are especially alert to language that sounds too rehearsed or insincere, so do your best to speak in a genuine voice. Experiment and find the language that works for you.
Be careful - don’t set a limit you (or someone else) won’t enforce. Try to make it very clear when you’re setting a limit (vs. just discussing choices) and hold to it. If you said it’s time to turn off the TV, don’t let them talk you into one more show. If you’ve said no ice cream, don’t give in and give a small scoop when they give you puppy dog eyes. This is especially important if you’re met with a tantrum - you don’t want to reward a tantrum and you do want to teach frustration tolerance and that it’s ok sometimes to not get what you want exactly when you want it. Of course, this also takes some self-control and cooperation with other caregivers. If my husband sets a limit that I wouldn’t have, I have to hold my tongue and go along with it.
If you can avoid needing a limit, do it. My toddler was having tantrums when I had to set limit after limit about getting the ice cream out of the freezer. So I put a child lock on the freezer. Would it have been helpful for him to learn better self-control from my limit setting? Maybe, but we had plenty of other opportunities for him to learn and I was tired of wrestling over ice cream.