Bullying the Bully: Strategies to Stand Up For Yourself
We all have skills that help us be kind and polite in relationships. We take the time to empathetically listen to our friends and give them support. We know how to problem-solve with our co-workers to resolve conflict and find a win-win scenario. We use “I-statements” to help our partners understand how we are feeling so that we can communicate in a way that works better for both of us.
But what happens when these kind, polite strategies don’t work?
You likely have had, have, or will have someone in your life who is not looking for a win-win. They want to be in control and get their way. They will find a way to win, or blame everyone else for their loss. We’ll go back to the playground and call them what they are - a bully.
And if you are being repeatedly teased, harassed, manipulated, and/or criticized by a bully, it’s likely that you’ve already tried being kind and polite. You’ve tried to avoid them, were extra kind and accommodating to them, and asserted yourself by telling them how you are hurt by their actions. These can be great strategies to use in lots of relationships (and by all means, try them first!), but if they’re not working, a more effective response may be a more aggressive one.
Of course, this may be the last thing you want to do - why should you become the bully?! And how could you muster the confidence to stand up in front of everyone and tell this person off…without having everyone laugh in your face? The trick may be for you to find a way to appear confident, stand up for yourself, and do it in a way that still feels authentic to you.
Here are some ideas for how you can stand up for yourself and protect your time and space. Take one or take all; find what works for you!
Switch your “I statements” to “You” statements. Keep the focus and responsibility on them. Instead of “I want you to leave me alone,” try “You need to back off.” Change “I don’t like when you call me that,” to “Calling me names isn’t going to change my mind,” or “You really shouldn’t say things like that.”
Set and clarify your boundaries. This can be helpful in all relationships, and is especially important when it comes to technology and social media. Don’t hesitate to say things directly like: “Sorry, but if you’re going to say things like that, I’m going to block you,” or “I don’t check my phone after 9pm so I won’t respond until tomorrow.” Protect your time and space.
Call them out. When someone says something rude or intolerant, it’s tempting to bite your tongue and let it go, but there are some direct ways to call them out and draw attention to their behavior. Maybe with something like … “You can’t mean that,” “Maybe keep those thoughts to yourself. I don’t want to hear them,” or even just a “Do you want to repeat that?” Notice that you’re not trying to start a debate, just trying to interrupt and make them (or others around them) question what they said.
Stand up for yourself. Use your body language to project confidence. Stand up straight, with your shoulders back and chest out. You can project confidence even when you don’t feel it.
Agree and exaggerate. This one takes a bit of tough skin and maybe some humor, but can work well in response to teasing. If someone can’t stop talking about how many boyfriends you’ve had, try agreeing, “I know! Do you have anyone else you can set me up with?” If you’re always teased for being late and disorganized, try “Seriously! Can everyone get me a watch for Christmas? I’ll wear them all and maybe be on time.”
Act bored and busy. After all, you have more important things to do and talk about; why don’t they? “My ex said that about me? How funny that he can’t stop talking about me.” “You’ve already said this; I heard you. (yawn) Is there anything new you wanted to say?” Try channeling some Taylor Swift energy here; is their attention “actually romantic”?
Reign in your people-pleasing tendencies. Many of us have been taught to focus on and check on and check on again whether or not everyone else is happy, but this will never work in a situation where the other person is never going to check on you. Practice directly refusing unreasonable requests, even when you know you could do them. Being kind should not require sacrificing all of your own wants and needs.
Take away their team. Bullies often have the power to attract and control followers. See if you can undermine their loyalty. “I always thought you were smart and could think for yourself, but now it seems like you’re just doing whatever she tells you to do.”
Well..what can you try? Whatever it is, recognize that it’s probably outside your comfort zone. It may take some trial-and-error, practice in the mirror ahead of time, and fake-it-until-you-make it confidence. Give yourself grace if it doesn’t go right the first time, and keep trying!
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Many of these strategies are from Take the Bully by the Horns by Sam Horn. You can also find more resources on helping teen navigate and set boundaries on social media from ROX - Ruling Our Experiences. And of course, you can reach out here for individual therapy if you need someone to help you strategize what might work best in your relationships, teach you ways to take control of your anxiety so you can even think about these strategies, or just be a cheerleader in your corner.